How much has this cost me so far?

All this being incapacitated has taken its toll on our savings, not to mention my health. So that I could continue working, for example, we had to change the car for an automatic, and that's a £14,000 loan for starters. Before then, we changed the double and the single bed. Now we had to change the double bed, it was over 10 years old, and I decided that, as I needed to move into the spare room after I'd come out of hospital, I'd replace the single bed. It had been bought for Dad to return home to during his terminal illness, but he never used it so I had it since 2004 as our spare bed. I think it had been slept in about a dozen times, but it was an orthopaedic one and sooooo hard. So two beds cost us about £1100 (I don't have the exact amount here). On the day I came home from hospital, Steve informed me the oven had stopped working while I was away, and as it was 20 years old I decided we'd get another one rather than get it fixed. Its replacement cost about £500 in round figures.

Now we get to the clothing. I needed to replace my "normal" bras with front-fastening ones last year, call that about £100 as bras in my size don't come cheap! Then I had to shell out on batwing jumpers and poncho style clothes for work, as I couldn't actually get my arm through sleeves this summer. Even getting everything from Ebay, I'd say that must have been £100.

And don't mention the loss of income for me and the Centre. I think because I haven't been able to contribute what was in my cash flow forecast with treatments and training, since the summer the Centre has lost at least £2000, which is having to come out of my personal resources if I want to keep it going - which I do, if only to fulfil the commitments I've taken on there. If I don't get back to work after Christmas, it will continue to lose about £500 a month.

The only bright spark on the horizon is that all this incapacity has meant I am eligible for PIP, which finally kicked in this month, and I get about £300 a month. No prizes for guessing where that is going!

So don't let anyone tell you that incapacity is easily managed. Yes it is, but only if you have a goodly amount in the bank. I did a crowdfunder to try and raise money for my convalescence, as you can see. I did raise some money and for that I will be eternally grateful, but that paid for the new clothing and will run out this month. I haven't spent it on what I wanted to, which was a week in a convalescence home (quoted at £1100 in the end as it fell in the school holiday), nor have I used it to fund treatments to speed my recovery (quoted at £450): it is going to fill the hole in the receipts at the Amethyst Centre I'm afraid. I do have an understanding landlord but I have to pay him £1100 this month, which is coming from... a bank loan.

So it's all very frightening if, like me, you don't like to go into debt. But sometimes you have to, and this is one of them.

An excellent night!

Well I think I had the best night's sleep last night since I had the op!

I turned in about 10.30 last night and snuggled down - minus the sling, but with it beside me just in case - soon to be joined by Freddy for his nighttime snuggle.

I awoke with Freddy still in situ on my chest and thought "I need the loo and a tablet" so I put the light on. 5.30am! I honestly can't remember the last time I had 7 hours sleep straight through!

How did I create such a wonderful sleep? Well firstly the sling wasn't on. I found it so restrictive and sometimes I couldn't wear the cross-chest strap which kept the arm in place across my body so I'd undo that one. Secondly, because I wasn't wearing the sling, I removed the wedge pillow which was keeping me in a more upright position to support the  upper arm. I felt the relief on my back as soon as I lay down. I've also been given the go ahead to lie on my good side, but I don't think I did. I can't have done otherwise I'd have tipped Freddy off.

So now I can start to accelerate the recovery. I have the next lot of exercises to do 3 times a day, which I am doing. If the weather improves I will start a walking programme as I need to get my legs back in working order so that I can  use my bus pass to get around more. I am fortunate to live in a grid-plan village, and I have several walking routes planned. It's not quite flat, the village rises from the other end to where I live by about 80 feet (I think), so that will help the cardio part too.

Another part of the recovery process will be to do more cooking. I've restricted myself to putting things in the oven, but today I'm going to do a beef stew with vegetables, so I need to peel and chop the veg. I will take my time.

A curate's egg of a day

On the plus side:

• I had a bath (well shower really) and washed my hair for the first time in nearly a month.
• I found out some camisole tops with a sort of bra in them which I haven't worn for years as they are technically too small for me. To my amazement, one fitted, so I am actually sitting comfortably with my boobs supported for the first time in nearly a month.
• The physio thinks I'm doing really well and my scar is still pretty.
• She gave me the go ahead to do without the sling! Woo hoo!

On the minus side:

• The physio said I probably won't be driving until December or 8 weeks after the op
• And I probably won't be able to go back to work until February, or 14 weeks after the op at least. This is because, basically I should have had the op in Spring, or I should have stopped working about then to try and preserve my shoulder, but because I still worked and tried to push myself until September, I need to try and recover to the point where I was in Spring before I get back to work, if you see what I mean.

But the worst thing was...

Our local ex-MP (Con) paid us a visit. Personally I'm surprised he managed to extricate his head from Johnson's arse in time to start campaigning today. Luckily I realised who he was, shook my head through the glazed window in the porch and went back in...

I was warned

I was warned that the anaesthetic would have effects later, and over the last few days I've found this out.

I did think that I was going down with something, and though my wound area felt warm there was no pain or itching. This morning I felt quite ill so I went back to bed about 9am, and felt better when I got up. I had a light lunch of scrambled egg and cheese, and felt really sick and ill.

I called the GP and they asked me to go in tomorrow morning at 9.30. Now I was reluctant to do that as I'm at the hospital physio for noon and the last thing I need is to hang around there for a couple of hours, especially if I'm feeling ill. So I said I'd monitor it and if I needed to, I'd call in the morning for an appointment.

I went back to bed this afternoon, accompanied by Dr Freddy Van Cat, and I got up a couple of hours later. I do feel better now, so perhaps it's an anaesthetic flashback and nothing more.

Adaptive clothing

I would like to thank my friend Irena for adapting some Tshirts for me. I found this picture on Pinterest:

It's a short sleeved shirt which has been slit up the side of the affected arm from bottom to the end of the arm seam, and in this instance taped press studs have been sewn on.

When Irena and I discussed how we could do this, she suggested Velcro instead of press studs, so that's what we did. 5 of my old XL polo shirts were adapted for me to wear while I had to wear this 24 hours a day:

I took a couple of them into hospital and the nurses were quite impressed with them, as it meant I didn't actually need to remove the sling, I could just tuck the front of the shirt under the straps and fasten it under my arm.

These days I do remove the sling, because I have exercises to do without the sling, and also because the sling is nylon and very sweaty, so we have cut up an old sheet to make liners which are far more comfortable. If I could actually sew, I'd sew these up so I didn't have to  tie them in place - but by the time I will be able to sew, I won't need the sling or the liners!

As the polo shirts are short-sleeved, and it is autumn/winter, I need to cover my arms up so I have a couple of ponchos I can pull on. However, the velcro of the Tshirt catches on the crochet poncho and opens up when I pull the poncho over my head. So I have a really large pashmina which can do the job. It's slightly easier to manage. I have several lovely jumpers/ponchos that I can pull on, but there's always something wrong with them: my favourite has an Aztec type pattern on but is short-sleeved, but there are others which are either itchy or too restrictive to go over the sling.

I can cope adequately with my bottom clothing, but knickers can be quite awkward - so I don't tend to wear them unless I'm going out! That old saying from my mother about always wearing clean  underwear isn't leaving my head in a hurry!

But the one item of clothing that I miss being able to wear is a bra. You see, I'm a big girl, and the weight of the boobs really pulls on my deltoid muscles, and that means that my neck and shoulders are stiff and sore. Hopefully I'll be able to wear a front fastening bra in the next week after the physio appointment. I have a multiway bra, which means the straps are detachable so I can just wear one strap and at least I can get some support. I also have a bra which wraps around, which I haven't dared try yet.

I do have some work-type clothing which I can wear when I call in. I am due to go to the Cacao ceremony at the Centre on Saturday, and I guess I can wear my lovely sleeved purple poncho then. I also have a one-sleeved black crepe top but I'm not convinced I want to expose my scar to the world!

Into week 4 and...

I NEED A BATH!

I can have a shower, and I can stand in a bath with water in and pour water over me, but it really isn't the same.

I can't really have a luxurious soak until the scar has closed up completely, and it won't do that until the swelling goes down. I could lie down and not get the scar wet, but then I have to get out of the bath, which is a problem with one working arm. Steve has got me out of the bath before when my legs stopped working on me, but I have to wait for the bath to empty and it's a bit cold, plus I don't want to knacker him!

I really need to wash my hair. I haven't washed it for 3 whole weeks, and while my hair is OK, my scalp is driving me nuts. If I went to one of the local hairdressers I couldn't lie back at the sink as it would stretch the scar tissue too much. As I only have one working arm I can't reach the whole of my head anyway. I'd have to ask Steve to wash it for me, and I'm not sure I could handle that, he is a bit strong for me!

So I shall just have to have fantasies of a luxurious long soak in the beautiful Seaweed and Arnica bath salts that I have bought to heal the wounds, of washing my hair and rinsing it with the shower head, of smelling beautiful and sweet instead of rather whiffy...

and hope that I don't have to go anywhere much for a while!

The Geldof effect

Which isn't what you think it is.

About 10 years ago, I went to a business expo at the Ricoh arena where Sir Bob Geldof spoke. Whatever you think of him, he's a really interesting and engaging speaker. One of the things he said was that he had been told, at one of his businesses, that he wasn't welcome any more because he just got in the way, that they really knew what they were doing and didn't actually need his input!

Now I find myself sidelined from my business, which I set up, which I love as a child - well it is my baby! - and which I know how to work with one hand tied behind my back. (Literally.) I am outside looking in. I have some really capable people there - Janet my business partner, and Lindsey who is handling the course side of things, and the volunteers who are incredible - but I find myself now itching to get back. I am compos mentis, I can type, and I get involved.

Well I needn't.

The place runs really well without me. In fact, my meddling has just provoked chaos and discord, so now hear this: I make a pact with myself to do something different for the next 9 weeks. And who knows, maybe I can use this time to expand the business into a new premises as we've been wanting for a good 2 years now. Where I think I am still needed is bringing in new room hirers and developing the training provision, and ensuring the finances are kept on an even keel or growing.

Maybe I won't go back...